I would like to start off by saying that my husband should have been the guest blogger for today’s post. Why? Because he typically does the family bedtime routine and he is AWESOME at it! I mean amazingly awesome. By creating a routine for bedtime and establishing order during this process he has helped our son declare his independence and develop a stronger sense of self, foster a closeness between the two of them, contribute to our son feeling a sense of control over what happens to him, and feel respected and heard.
I would like to tell you all that he developed this routine with my assistance (smile) but honestly he was fortunate and he did many of the things that, as psychologists or child professionals, we know works for bedtime routines. Why am I saying all of this? Because this means that you don’t have to be an expert (my husband is not a psychologist and he does not work with children) to make these tips work for you and your family! Almost anyone can implement the tips I am going to share in this post and find success for their family.
Before I share my tips about bedtime routines, I would like to paint a humorous picture for you about bedtime. Imagine you are in your favorite chair and reading a great novel and your partner says to you, “Hey, it’s time for bed.” Of course because you are in the middle of the good part of your book so you respond, “I am not ready yet.” Despite your response, your partner takes your book out of your hands, makes you get up from your favorite chair, forces you up the stairs, unwillingly takes off your clothes, and sits you in the bathtub. How are you feeling right now? Violated? Disrespected? Misunderstood? Angry? Scared? Controlled? Belittled? Now take a moment and ask yourself, “Does this happen to your child at night?”
Now, you might be protesting aloud and saying, “C’mon! My child does not feel this way!” Does your child have feelings? Is your child a person? Does your child have thoughts even if they can’t always verbally express what those thoughts are? Children have feelings and regardless of the reasons behind our actions — children experience our behavior the same way we would if the situation happened to us. We want to remember that sentiment when we are interacting with our children and strive to make choices with our children that promote independence and make them feel heard and honored as people.
When my husband first started putting our son to bed at night, he shared with me that he quickly realized that picking our son up and taking him up the stairs to bed was not working. Our son was frequently upset, hurt, and angry by the way he was being transitioned from what he had been previously doing to preparing for bed. My husband shared with me one of those nights, “I am going to change the transition to bed and allow him time and space to process that I need him to transition to the bedroom. I will just announce to him that we need to prepare to go upstairs to get ready for bed and then I will give him time and wait for him at the bottom of the steps.” I nodded my head and I nonchalantly replied, “Alright, let’s see how it goes.” However, on the inside I was thrilled to hear that my husband was trying to brainstorm ways to show our child that he respected him and that he respected our son’s ability to make decisions about transitioning to bedtime. Now I will be honest, our son did not quickly respond to my husband’s new behavior overnight or even over just a couple of weeks but because he was consistent in his new stance our son began to positively respond and the “battle to bedtime “ became virtually eliminated most nights. Just like my husband, you will need to re-evaluate what is working and what is not working with your routine and adjust it. Our children regularly provide us with feedback based on their responses to our words and actions and it is up to us, as parents, to determine whether we need to modify our strategy or approach to get optimal results.
Tip #1 - Start your bedtime ritual 45 minutes to an hour before your child’s actual bedtime
I know for some parents starting an hour to 45 minutes before bedtime may seem nearly impossible but this tip is important to help you have a smoother routine. We decided that our son would go to bed slightly later than we may have preferred because it was important to us that the bedtime routine did not feel stressful or rushed because we were trying to get to an unrealistic bedtime for our family. For our family, a 6:30 pm or a 7:00 pm bedtime would be nearly impossible because my husband does not even get off work until close to 5:00-5:15 pm and he does not get home with our son until 6:00 pm most nights. Having a later bedtime allowed us to have dinner as a family, play with our son and complete other household tasks and then gradually wind down and prepare ourselves for bedtime.
Tip #2 Countdown to bedtime
Remember the story of bedtime I just described between you and your partner? Now, imagine if your partner had said, “It almost nearing bedtime. We have to get ready for bed (soon, in 15 minutes, in 30 minutes).” Now you still may not be ready to go to bed but at least you know it is coming soon and you can try to finish your chapter or reach a good stopping point in your book before you go upstairs to bed. You would also likely feel that your partner respects what you are doing enough to warn you. The same idea applies to our children. We want to respect their understanding of time by warning them or reminding them that bedtime is coming and then a little bit before we actually need them to come with us, we want to let them know that we are waiting for them (at the bottom of the stairs, the hallway, the doorway, etc) to join us in walking them to their room or the bathroom to prepare for bed (don’t worry this may take lots of patience and practice!). For younger children, you may also want to have a fun activity to help them more willingly join you such as hopping to the bedroom or skipping to the bathroom or having a bath toy available in your hand that they can hold on their way to the bathtub.
Tip #3 End the power struggle with choices
Children want a sense of control and power in their world. There are so many things that they can’t make decisions about and they thrive when they have the opportunity to exert some decision making power. So you want to minimize your commands during this time by offering controlled choices for tasks that they would otherwise be doing during the bedtime routine. So you may want to ask them, “Do you want to brush your teeth first or wash your face first while at the sink?” “Do you want to sleep with your kitty or your teddy bear?” “Do you want to wear the blue pajamas or the red pajamas?”
Tip #4 Use bedtime to feel close to one another
Bedtime can be such a loving and relaxing experience for you and your child on most nights. Trust me, it really can! Some parents play soft classical lullaby music in the room or the bathroom while their child is getting ready for bed. Some parents have shared with me in their parent coaching sessions that they enjoy having lavender oils in the bedroom to help their child feel relaxed. Many parents cuddle for a few moments with their child(ren) in the room while talking about their favorite memories with their child(ren), ask them about the best parts of their day, and/or say things that they love about each other. The purpose of this ritual is to set the stage for a peaceful night that is filled with love and affection.
Tip #5 Develop a bedtime ritual and stick to it!
This has been critical not only in my household but to many of the families I have worked with in parent coaching sessions. You want to do the same thing in the same order every night so that your child can predict it. Predictability is synonymous with security for children. Routines give children something they can count on and expect. It also helps them feel confident because they know what is going to happen and they feel in charge and knowledgeable because they are contributing to the ritual. For example, your routine may look like: bath time/tooth brushing/face washing, putting pajamas on, reading a story, snuggling and talking, giving a hug, singing a song, giving two kisses, and saying good night. The same order or the same song or the same book can signal to the child that it is time for the body to wind down and help them more easily fall asleep.
I challenge you to look at your child(ren)’s bedtime experience and see if anything is missing from it or if something could be tweaked based on the tips I have shared. Your bedtime can go from a stressful experience to a time of nurturing, fun, and closeness. Finally if your child is older, I strongly encourage you to involve your child in the decision making process regarding the bedtime routine order and process so that they feel respected, honored and valued. Remember, there is no expectation that this will go perfectly or that some nights won’t look like what I described but the goal is to develop a good plan and try to stick to it as much as possible so your child begins to have an expectation about how bedtime will look on most nights.
