Whether you have children that are close in age or there’s a large gap between them, sibling rivalry happens. It’s normal and, usually, nothing to worry about.
But in some cases, children may take it a little too far. Siblings who are constantly “competing” against one another can develop feelings of anger, dislike, and even resentment toward each other.
So, when you’re worried about the effects of sibling rivalry crossing the line, what can you do?
The best way to address the matter is to manage it as soon as possible. Start by using some of these practical tips to handle sibling rivalry in your family, and you may start to see your children becoming much closer.
1. View Sibling Rivalry Through A More Positive Lens
Although sibling rivalry may cause you to feel upset and frustrated as a parent, I encourage you to remember that there are important life skills that can be obtained from arguing between siblings. When siblings experience conflict they have the opportunity to learn how to deal with power struggles and they learn the various options for managing conflict and resolving differences. Siblings also learn through their rivalry how to be assertive and they can also learn the art of negotiation and compromise.
2. Never Show Favoritism
There are plenty of old jokes and stereotypes about having a favorite child. Some days, one of your children might get on your nerves while the other is the “perfectly-behaved” and favored child.
However, remember that parents actually promote sibling rivalry when they take sides during an argument or fight or even when parents take responsibility for resolving the fight. This type of parent intervention actually invites children to assume the roles of victim and bully.
Instead, when you see your children fighting with one another, I encourage you to use the Positive Discipline strategy of “Putting them in the same boat” and do not get involved in the fight. This intervention means that you treat both children the same during a conflict and you put the responsibility on your children for finding a solution. So that means you may say something like, “Do you all need to go to your calm down areas for a while or can you find a solution to this problem now?” or “Go to separate rooms until you can come back together and find a solution” or “I will remove this toy for now until you all can come to me and tell me what your solution is for playing with the toy.”
3. Give Individual Attention
Each child is a unique individual. So, make sure you set aside time for each child on an individual basis.
While it’s beneficial to do most activities as a family, caregivers need to have their alone (one on one) time with each child. That lets them know that they are special, loved, and thought about just as much as their siblings. I often teach parents in their work with me to develop a Special Time with each child as a way to connect and give your focus to each individual child.
4. Bring Older Children Under Your Wing
If you have a child who is a few years older, one of the ways you can dispel seeds of sibling rivalry in them is to make them a part of everything. Allow them to be your helper with the younger child/children. Kids love feeling like they have a job and that they’re doing something good for their parents.
You can encourage your older child by having them help you clean up, pick out special foods for the younger ones, or even help them pick out toys. You can also give much younger children developmentally appropriate tasks to help with in the home. Keeping children productive and busy can often minimize conflict in the home and simultaneously increase confidence.
5. Don’t Make Your Child a Built-In Babysitter
However, it’s important to draw a line between giving your child responsibilities and turning them into a built-in babysitter. None of your children should be responsible for another, no matter how much of an age gap there might be.
You are the parent, you have the responsibility. Don’t unload that onto your children. It can put them under unhealthy pressure and increase sibling conflict and resentment.
6. Give Your Older Children the Same Empathy
It’s not uncommon for parents to pay more attention to the feelings of younger children. You might tell your older child to “grow up” or “be a big girl/boy” when something happens to them or they are feeling hurt during a sibling conflict. But they have feelings too, and those feelings are valid.
If they see you putting more care into the feelings of your younger child(ren), they might start to resent their siblings. That resentment may lead to them having a harder time coming to you with problems they’re facing at home and outside of the home.
7. Don’t Compare Your Kids
If you don’t want your kids to continue with sibling rivalry, make sure you don’t create that dynamic for your children through your words. Never compare one child to another. That includes comparing grades, athletic ability, musical talent, and everything in between.
Each one of your children has something unique and special about them, and each of them needs to know that. It’s about focusing on the individuality of your kids, rather than deciding who is better at certain things.
8. Don’t Talk About One Child to Another
Sometimes, you may have a very stressful day with one of your children. However, you must resist the need to vent about it to another one of your kids or even in front of your other kids. A child should never be a parent’s confidant or feel they have to support their parent related to the stress from their sibling. That can be very damaging to their development.
Moreover, never say something negative about your children in front of the others. But don’t boast about them too much either because that can lead to issues with comparisons.
9. Practice Fairness
Life isn’t always fair, and that’s something that parents do need their children to understand.
With that being said, however, you should encourage fairness in your own home if you have multiple children. One child shouldn’t receive more than another, whether it’s attention, toys, time, or anything in between. Of course each child is unique but you want to make sure you are not lavishing one child with all of the time, tangible items, and attention and essentially depriving the other child or children of similar experiences.
10. Be Prepared for Problems
Despite your best efforts, there will likely be some instances in which your children don’t get along. One might feel jealous of another or “less loved,” for a variety of reasons. Keep the aforementioned tips in mind and make sure you’re using them regularly to avoid problems or handle them as quickly as possible before they get out of hand.
The more you understand your children and put yourself in their place, the better prepared you’ll be when potential issues arise.
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If you have kids that always seem to be competing with one another and sibling rivalry has become a problem, feel free to contact me at 678-649-1940 for more information or to schedule a parent coaching session on how to create peaceful, communicative relationships within your family.
