Strengthening the Parent-Child Relationship: Building A Bond That Will Last a Lifetime

It’s Thursday night and your car spins into the parking lot of the school for your child. You hurriedly park, grab your car keys, and rush into the school building. You speed walk into your child’s classroom, grab them by the hand, and then rush back into the car to fight the evening traffic. Once you arrive home it is like a mad dash – homework, dinner, wiping noses and/or tears, cleaning up after everyone, brief moments of adult conversation (if you’re lucky), bathing, story time, and then bed. As you sink into the chair or your bed later that night, you may wonder whether you actually spent any quality time with your child or rather did you just participate in a human assembly line of child rearing tasks?

This is a story that many parents have shared with me over the years. It is also a story that I have experienced with my own toddler. Life just becomes so busy that we find ourselves rushing through our day or evening and missing the opportunity to strengthen the relationship with our child(ren) by providing them with uninterrupted, one on one, quality time. Trust me, I understand that it is tough to build that time into an already jam packed day; however, I also know that as a parent you have to intentionally schedule that “special time” with your child or it just won’t happen.

Special time is different than your regular time with your child. It is strategically focused on boosting parent-child attachment, building confidence in your child, improving child behaviors, and it symbolizes a parent's unconditional love for their child. For children, special time occurs 5 out of 7 days per week and it is approximately 10 minutes each day (I encourage only 10 minutes because it can realistically be done multiple times per week) and for our teens I typically recommend once or twice a month doing an activity that he or she really enjoys. The special time is essential to building a healthy relationship and it occurs regardless of whether your child has behaved well or badly and it is never used as a form of punishment. Special time is about promoting quality time and that is not something your child has to earn.

Special time is a collaborative play-based activity that your child chooses and leads (Yes, you will follow your child's lead during special time!). Special time is about unplugging and you will need to silence the phone and/or text messages and not allow any distractions during special time. This means that if you have other children in the house, you may want to have special time when there is another adult in the house to supervise. You also want to have special time in an area where other children won’t disturb you and your child (for some families that even means going outside, if weather permits). To help discourage other children from interrupting another child’s special time, you may want to allow the other children to engage in tasks that they may not normally have frequent access to, such as technology, audio books or movies with headphones on, or allow them to have a light snack while you are having special time with each child.

During special time, you will want to play with whichever toy(s) or activity your child wants to play with. You will follow their lead during play because it allows your child to feel acknowledged and emphasizes that their choices and decisions matter to you. It also convinces the child on a primal level that they are important to you and the center of your focus (we assume children know this but they often may not). This feeling of being important helps solidify their attachment, build trust, and improves confidence in themselves.

Once you begin special time you will be amazed at the difference it makes in your relationship with your child and how it improves child behavior. Parents that consistently commit to special time always tell me that they observe significant changes in their child’s behavior and that their child seems to crave it, as if they were missing something. I often respond to them by saying, “In a way, they were missing something. They were missing that undivided time with you.” In a society where life is so busy and even “time together” can be filled with distractions and interruptions, it is rare for children to have unplugged moments with their parents where they are the sole focus of their parent’s attention and where the parent is completely immersed in the lives of their child.

Special time helps parents too. Special time causes you to slow down and notice the moments that are happening in your family. So when you sink into that chair or bed at night, you may still sigh from the exhaustion of the day but you will also feel a sense of pride because you know that you have given some of your valued time and attention to help your child flourish into an emotionally healthy human being.

If you have more questions about special time and how to implement this with your child(ren), contact The Parent Child Practice and learn more about Parent Coaching Services.